A Case of the Grumps

The Michelle Health Organization (MHO for short) reports that there's been a case of the grumps going around lately. This organization, which is neither very organized nor very healthy, would like to help you diagnose yourself. Not sure if you are suffering from the grumps? Here's a few things that might be a tip off:

• People leave the room when you walk in because they dread being around you and your bad attitude (badittude, if you will).
• You spend extended periods of time wallowing in self-loathing and, alternatively, self-pity.
• The usual good mood-inspiring things do not even bring a semi smile to your face. An adorable puppy in a cute outfit makes you roll your eyes instead of the normal giggle and clap.
• Even eating delicious treats do not make you happy.

Now, drinking excessively may seem like a good idea to dull the pain of your grumptastic mood, but it will not help. Let me repeat: Do Not try to drink the grumps away. It is cause for disaster and you will then be hungover AND grumpy. Please do not fret though, I have some helpful suggestions (that worked for me) to bring you back to Happy Land.

1. You need to go overboard on the things that make you happy. For me, it's baking. This weekend I baked a batch of deliciously low fat cookies, chocolate mousse (not technically baking, but still counts) and mini chocolate cupcakes with peppermint chocolate icing. The delicious end results, combined with the pleasure it brought to those who devoured the treats nearly pulled me out my funk. [see below for photos]
2. Exercise. Again, I suggest going overboard. Get out and work your butt off doing whatever it is you do to stay in shape. Yesterday I spent an hour at the gym and then hit the track with my iPod on the loudest it could go. By the time I was done, I was so frozen, deaf, hungry and tired that I had no room to be grumpy. Pure bliss.
3. Shopping therapy. Simple. Go out and buy things. You don't need to spend a million dollars, feel free to hit the dollar store, walmart or even go to the grocery store and hit the bulk bins real hard. Don't get me wrong, if you have the money and the inclination to make a big purchase, by all means do so. A new TV or car would certainly make your grumps disappear twice or even three times as fast.
4. Go tanning. I hear the WHO (world health organisation- who is actually a real organisation, unlike the MHO) declared tanning a carcinogenic, so maybe this option isn't for everyone...but if you aren't opposed to tanning and your skin could use some colour- jump on in to your nearest cancer box. Not only will you feel better because you will look prettier- you will feel better from that dose of vitamin D that you can only get from the sun, which we probably won't seeing much of for the next few months.
5. If you have completed suggestions 1-4 and are still feeling down then you have no choice but to go to Disney Land. It is the happiest place on earth. If a dose of the magic kingdom, mickey mouse and frozen lemonade can't cure you then you are pretty much out of luck. You can try repeating the above steps, perhaps in reverse order, but unfortunately and most likely, you will need to move onto #5.
6. Strong meds are officially in order. Prozak or some other anti-depressant. It will make you feel like you are living your life in a hazy cloud, not to mention the long list of negative side effects, but hey, it will likely kill the grumps. Murder at its finest. Visit a doctor near you for treatment.

Wishing you all a grump-free afternoon. Good day to you.

stoopid questions

There's no such thing as a stupid question...right? Wrong! There is. Maybe not stupid, but definitely unnecessary. A Waste of Breath Question, if you will. Really there are only two that I can think of that make it impossible for me not to roll my eyes with a look of pure disdain on my face. Maybe that makes me a bad person. I don't really care. If you are asking either of the questions below, I think you are a bad person- and that makes us evenly bad people.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel stupid. I am here to help. Hopefully after reading this you will think twice before asking either one of these questions.

Stupid Question 1.
Scenario: You're in some one's kitchen and have garbage to throw away.
Dummy: Where's your garbage?
Average Person: Under the sink.

Seriously when someone asks this, I think they should immediately be put in a Time Out to think about what they've said. The garbage is under the sink. It can get a bit tricky- it might be on the left side or maybe it's on the right. You will have to take a gamble and choose a side. If you're not a gambling man let me help you- try the right side. If you open it and there's no garbage- don't feel disheartened, odds are good you will find it by opening the left side. You pretty much have a 50/50 chance of finding the garbage, without asking for help. Imagine how cool you will look throwing away your own garbage without having to request a map and set of instructions...Actually don't even imagine- think of Ryan Gosling. That's how cool you will look... maybe not as sexy, but just as cool!

I understand that OCCASIONALLY people keep their garbage in a standalone container on the fringes of the kitchen. This is when you score 0-2 on the under-the-sink kitchen cupboard check. Always disheartening, but at this point you have free range to ask your host where their garbage is. Don't worry, I'm sure they get asked all the time. They should probably have a sign at the kitchen sink that says "don't even bother looking- the garbage is over there --->".

Stupid Question 2.
Scenario: You have asked someone to take a picture of you and your friends.

Dummy: Which button do I press?
Average Person: The top right hand button.

Why do we do this? The button to snap a photo is on the top right hand side of nearly every camera. It's the spot where your right hand index finger naturally falls when holding a camera, ready to take a picture. Someone could hand you a camera and with your eyes closed you could probably guess which button it was from where your finger naturally sits. The clever inventors have made it idiot proof. Stop being an idiot- stop asking which button it is. Maybe it's a fancy dancy camera that has a million buttons. The button will STILL be on the top right hand side. It will probably be a circle. It will probably be screaming your name. If you aren't a hundred percent sure, press the button and see if it takes a picture. These days, it's not like your wasting film. Just guess. You will probably be right. If you are wrong and don't know what to do- don't panic, you can then ask for help. If I were you, I'd throw in a giggle and a twirl of the hair. Then maybe you will seem cute and dumb, instead of just plain old retarded.

I hope we all learned something today.

Good luck and god speed. xo shelly.

Vacation Sads

Post Vacation Depression Syndrome. I can’t say 100 percent if it is an official syndrome or not as Wikipedia doesn’t have an official page on it. Not going to lie, it irked me real bad that there was no sure fire go-to source for my self-diagnosis attempts. I did find a few web pages with references to the Vacation Sads as I like to call them, but they sucked. One guy referred to it as the ‘f**k I have to go back to work’ disorder- that was about the only interesting thing I gleaned from my research.

I was in Cabo San Lucas over Christmas and New Years for 16 glorious days with family and friends. We spent most of our time at the beach sun tanning, playing and drinking. I think i partook in every activity imaginable (except ATVing of course)- from scuba diving to beer drinking contests, Mexican massages to Fine Italian Dining. We had a million laughs and I have about a thousand bruises from various UMPIs (unidentified Mexican party injuries).

Half way through the trip our friends had to go and the family and I suffered from a bit of sadness to see them leave. Lucky we are young and forgetful, within a day we were back at it- KT and Jay who!?

The last couple of the days of our trip it hit us like a ton of bricks that we had to leave soon. The sadness started there. It crept in like fog in the night. Slowly slowly. We banned talk of going home, yet it was impossible not to think of our return.

Arriving home was, as expected, dismal. Gray skies, leftover Christmas decorations, an unwelcoming kitty and the pending Back to Work Monday all added to my case of Vacation Sads.

Realizing that I no longer could get up early and go for a run down to the marina to a beautiful sunrise over the ocean; or have a baileys and coffee for breakfast and then a sangria for snack time; or sit on the beach listening to the DJ play all our favourite songs (by request) while sun tanning and buying unnecessary things like bandanas, puppy puppets or hand-made mexican pottery all added to my Sads. Back at home with nothing fun to do and the ball and chain of work and a mortgage fresh on my mind makes for a Super Sad Shelly.

Thinking back, I know I experienced the Sads from my previous travel excursions- I think I was Sad from my four month trip to Asia for at least two months. I don’t remember doing anything productive following that trip, unless you count watching food network and 80’s work out tapes productive. I guess I’ll get over it. I don’t really want to. I want to be back in the sun, living the dream. Viva la fiesta!