Detox Week (From Hell)

I decided to do a detox cleanse, so I picked one up after work. I could hardly wait. I read the instructions and realized I needed to hit the grocery store. Almond milk, lemons, blueberries, cashews and dandelion tea (which I didn't find so I picked sleepy time tea in lieu). I ate a healthy dinner drank lots of water and went to bed stoked for Day 1 of 7 in the cleanse process.

Breakfast was one 4oz bottle of liquid cleanser - a muddy green concoction that tasted like apples, with a glass of lemon water, a multivitamin and a blueberry protein shake. I was almost impressed by how tasty and easy it all was.

Then I got to work, where I realized I couldn't have a coffee. Panic sets in, but I control myself. It's okay, I'll have a peppermint tea.

By 8:00 I have a giant headache, an ashen face, and am nauseous and shivering. I can't get a thing done and am trying not to cry. I don't do sick very well. Nick is sick this week too so I'm thinking maybe I picked up whatever illness he has. I ask to go home at 9 and sneak out of the office to avoid the "get well soon" platitudes that always make me feel worse.

I get home put on sweats and go lay on the couch. I woke up at 1243 in the afternoon soaked with sweat. I quickly stripped down but become cold thirty seconds later so I put them back on. It has to be 25 degrees outside, my condo not much cooler.

I realize it's lunch time aka Round Two - so I stagger to the kitchen, make a lemon water, a boring salad and then grab all the cleanse stuff and go back to bed. My headache and fever rage on. I grudgingly drink another detox bottle and take five more detox pills. My mind is screaming at me not to do it, but I'm pretty sure that's just the sugar and caffeine withdrawal talking.

I proceed to eat my lunch in the fetal position on my bed.  My stomach is rolling. I've had three bites of salad. I'm scared that anymore might make me puke. I hate puking. It makes me cry and feel sorry for myself. I abandon the salad and go back to sleep.

My head is pounding, my skin hurts, I can barely move. I get 5 more pills and choke them down for dinner, with six bites of leftover salad. I nap for a bit and then try to go to sleep. I wake up every half hour or so during the night. I sleep on the couch, in the guest bedroom and even on the floor. I pray that day 2 will be an improvement.

Day 2. I crack my eyes open and I don't feel super horrible. I have breakfast and detox stuff, then try not to move too much. I'm still not sure if maybe I have the flu it's just coincided with this detox session. Numerous times, I wonder to myself if I should maybe quit the detox. I decide to ask Google, who directs me to Dr. Oz, who says Common Symptoms of "Withdrawal" From A Toxic Lifestyle include: an achy flu-like feeling, fatigue, headaches, itchy skin, nausea, insomnia. Ok, so I don't have the flu. This is all self included from my Toxic Lifestyle. Lovely.

Day 3. I wake up and am delighted that I feel pretty normal. Well rested even. I'm so excited that the liquid detox portion is over. I eat my pills and smoothie and go to work. I'm still pretty achy suffering from hot and cold flashes, but who's complaining?! I get to eat a whole wheat wrap today, yum.

Day 4. I've developed a hacking cough, which I cant imagine is from the detox. I blame Nicholas. I feel mostly fine.

Today is Day 5. My eye sockets kind of hurt, sinus related, I guess? I slept well and feel okay. The next two days of detox should be pretty easy. I imagine I'll turn into Superwoman within the next couple of days. So, if you don't hear from me, it's probably because I'm busy saving the world. Tootles.