Update: The Bacon Saga

I hauled ass after work on Friday to get to the specialty store to buy some Baconnaise. This store has a billion things i would love to own but i went in with a focused mind, determined not to be distracted by all the cooking and baking specialty items that would certainly make my life SOOO much better. I browsed every aisle and shelf and wasn't able to find any baconnaise. I did come across tomato paste in a tube whick KT has been searching for, so i grabbed that. Note: It doesn't even count as a distracted purchase if it's a gift for someone else. After about 15 minutes i put my hrmph face on and hunted down a store employee. Let's replay the convo:

Me: Hi, can you please tell me where to find the baconnaise?
She replies ( in a snotty voice not befitting of my very nicely asked question), "The WHAT?!|
Me: "The Baconnaise", I say again, a bit more slowly with proper enunciation. "It's bacon mayo," I add helpfully.
"OHhhhhhh," she replies, "we don't carry that anymore, they were giving us product with short shelf life."

My draw drops and my eyes start to water and I ask if they are planning on getting more in the future because I'd been really looking forward to trying it and for it to change my life. My voice is getting louder and louder and  I sort of sound like I'm yelling at her. She responds that she doesn't know if they will be stocking it and tries to sell me lemmonaise- it's lemon, it's mayo... it's baconless! I politely decline and head up to the till to buy the tomato paste in a tube. When I get to the till she points out a Dark Bacon Chocolate Bar for sale. Without a moments hesitation and an internally muttered DUH, I grab one. The bill comes to around $13. I think to myself, wow that tomato paste is pricey!

I text message Alanna to let her know I am bringing a fun surprise but that, unfortunately, it's not bacon mayo. I arrive at the cabin and whip out the dark bacon chocolate bar. Someone grabs it and flips it over to read the write up on the back and exclaims, " You paid TEN dollars for this!?" [insert embarrassed smiley face here] We read the rest of the write up and it is rather hilarious and very enticing. We are all giggling in anticipation. We rip open the packaging and I crack the bar into pieces.  One of the girls claims that it smells like beef jerky. Greeeeaaaaaaaat... We tentatively take bites and some make gag faces and others chew contemplatively. Safe to say there weren't a lot of yummy noises and if I had to throw a caption on the scene it would say EPIC FAIL. The bar wasn't horrible but it definitely wasn't a crowd pleaser. Pieces of the chocolate sat on a plate the whole weekend without disappearing... in a roomful of girls. I polished off them yesterday before I left to come home as I felt it was kind of my responsibility. Luckily, my homemade brownies with a layer of marshmallow and chocolate fudge icing were definitely a bigger hit and redeemingly necessary for my self confidence.

Get this though! Yesterday for lunch we had smokies. I was doing up my bun and boy oh boy was I pleasantly surprised to find the jar of bacon mayo had made it to the sauce table. This was the jar that started it all- hiding innocuosly in the cabin fridge, miding it's own business. I slathered my bun up with bacconaise and then threw on some bbq sauce and ketchup as well -I hate having to choose between my favorite sauces. I grabbed a smokie and topped it with some cheese, onions and tomatoes and set out to taste test. Unfortunately, I think I sauced too hard as I couldn't even distinguish the baconnaise in the mix. I had assigned a few otherBacconaise taste testers and, again, there weren't any overly yummy noises being made. I think this is where the baconnaise train stops and I get off. I have a feeling my arteries will thank me.

for the rest of the story click here to read the "it's bacon, it's mayo" blog.

it's bacon, it's mayo!

I love fridge creeping. One of the first things I do when I am in someones kitchen is open their fridge and check out what they've got. Sometimes it's a hunger thing, most often it's a curiosity thing. You can really tell a lot about someone by the state of their fridge. I have no idea what my fridge says about me other than I like sauce and Diet Coke.

Recently in my snooping, I hit the Fridge Find of the Year...Baconnaise! It's bacon flavored mayo. It sounds disgusting, right? More like disgustingly delicious! This blog might be a bit premature as I haven't actually tasted it yet. I don't even own it! I am, however, obsessed with it. I don't really eat that much bacon but only because I find once I start eating bacon it becomes an addictive habit that I am unable to break, so I just stay away from it. Since The Discovery of Bacconaise, everything I eat I can imagine putting bacon mayo on it and how much better it would taste. Creamy and salty and meaty and artery clogging- what's not to love?!

Of course iIdecided to do some research on this salty spread and was elated with my google results. Shall I share? I think I shall.

Into google I type "bacon mayo", first result: www.baconnaise.com/. I spent the next hour and a half (that's 90 minutes) perusing this site and then bookmarked it for future viewing. Here's the scoop: a couple of guys realized they needed more bacon flavor in their life so they mixed together bacon fat with salt and came up with Bacon Salt. It is zero calorie, no fat, vegetarian, kosher and low sodium seasoning! Obviously it took the world by storm and from there they expanded their line to include other bacony items like baconnaise, baconPop(corn) and recently they came out with Ketchup Salt. On their Retail page they have an item listed called BaconAir, bacon flavored oxygen inhaler. I think I read somewhere that it was an April fools joke, but I couldn't resist entering for a Lifetime Supply of BaconAir, so I sent them an email with why I should be the winner. It reads:

I should probably be the winner of a lifetime supply of BaconAir because I want to stay skinny but I love bacon. I think that this contest might be a joke, but hey I couldn’t pass up the opportunity of even a chance that I could win a life time supply of deliciousness. I think I would use it as an inhaler when I’m driving out of the city where it smells like manure. Life would be so sweet (or, more appropriately, salty)! Please pick me. I will share with all my friends and family.

*please note that the last line in that email was strictly added to make me seem like a good person, worthy of winning the contest. There is no way in hell I would share my loot if I did win.

I didn't stop there with my research, ohhhh no! I hit the Royal Bacon Society website then baconfreak.com where iIfound a blog that reports "People in Canada Choose Bacon Over Sex", Maple Leaf Food reports 43% of survey respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex... I bet those numbers would jump drastically if they were asked about bacon mayo! My hypothesis is that 90% of respondents would cut off their left arm and give up sex all together for a plate of bacon and a jar of baconnaise. Just a hunch.

I will leave you with some quotes courtesy of http://www.baconnaise.com/:

"Peanut butter and chocolate. Franks and beans. Cookies and milk. Bacon and anything. "

"I would eat that with a spoon!"

"Baconnaise could be the best condiment ever invented! Sorry, ketchup."

"I don't dine on swine, but wow, that's really good."

That is all. Get gone already. Make yourself useful and find me some bacon salt or something.