Tim The Toolman Taylor

I have decided that I am basically the reincarnate of Tim Allen aka Tim The Toolman Taylor, from the show Home Improvements. A better looking, female version of course. Let's not even talk about the fact that he's still alive. It was basically just an opening for a re-cap of last night.

I hit Home Depot again last night. South Surrey, as I was hoping they would have a wider selection of lights. They did not. I haunted the lighting aisle for about an hour and then Eeenie Meenie Minie Mo'd my choices. Well not quite. I picked the most expensive one and the cheapest one. My rationale on this was that the nice light can be for the guest bath and the not so nice light will be for mine.

I got home all excited with my new lights. I hunted down the breaker panel, which I've cleverly hid behind a mirror (I did such a great job that sometimes I forget where it is!). I finally found the breaker to turn off the bathroom electricity so i don't kill myself. Unfortunately I didn't do it the "Right" way. I forgot to mark which breaker switch belonged to the bathroom.

Whilst talking on the phone to Manda, i begin to take down the track lighting in the guest bath. A little nervous, but determined, it goes perfectly fine until I get everything but the electrical stuff down. I am faced with a confusing set-up, very unlike the ceiling lights I have come across in my condo previously. Hrmph. I hold my breath and start pulling at things until I am able to dislodge the light mounting bracket from the wall. Success!

I open up my pretty, new, uncomfortably expensive light and lay out all the pieces. I read the instructions. I look at the pieces again. I call my mom.

Unfortunately my parents have always stayed away from lighting fixtures so they had no suggestions. I send Cam a text message in hopes he might get off work early to help. No luck. I decide that i will switch back on the power and deal with it at a later time.

Back at the breaker panel I realize I have no idea which switch it is. So i start switching them all. The problem is that there is no light in the bathroom so there's not a clear sign. However, it's also connected to my bedroom, so I go from the panel to the bedroom switching each breaker. I get through ALL the breakers and no Success. Wtf. I call my mom again. Again, she has no suggestions. I was kind of hoping she would have went and taken an Electrician course in the midst of my Lighting Adventure. Apparently this thought never crossed her mind.

I try the breakers again. No luck. This is vaguely insane. My dad says that maybe it needs to "cool". Lol. Anyhow, i think Carol and partner Vince (who was an electrician in a previous life) may come to investigate today. In the mean time, I've showered in the dark and blow dried my hair and have done my makeup in the kitchen. Sigh. I also got dressed in the dark. Not that anyone would notice, it probably looks like i get dressed in the dark EVERY day.

pipes a leakin'

In general I try not to be productive on Sundays. Today, however, I woke up with a Can-Do attitude. I decided to cut some base board mouldings to finally put up in my bathroom. This is mostly because I really want to wallpaper one or both bathrooms. I have narrowed the paper choice down to a light blue damask or a black and white damask pattern. One is pretty, the other is chic.
After measuring the first section I went to my second bedroom where I have my borrowed miter box and hand saw set up. I made the cut. It was shockingly rather easy. I took the piece to the bathroom and lined it up and it fit! However, there was still one finishing nail left in the wall from the old baseboard that had been ripped out a year ago when I first moved in. I found a pair of pliers and started to pull it out. Hissssssssssssssssss goes the nail! WHAT?! goes the shelly . I stop what I'm doing and check the heater. It is on. I turn it off. The hiss continues. I ponder for a bit and come up with nothing useful so I pull the nail out a bit further. Water starts to bubble out. I immediately push the nail back in the hole and water bubbles and hissing noises stop.

I call my mom. She tells me to call the property management company. I am in the middle of a panic attack. I have a cookies. I call the emergency number for my property management company, this is how the phone call goes: I explain the situation, the lady confirms with me that my condo is NOT flooding at the immediate time and explains because it is a Sunday someone will deal with it on Monday. My cry voice begins to creep up on my so I agree, give her my info and hang up. I call and bbm my uncle Stuart who is a plumber. The bbms were not delivered. hrmph. I call my mom, she sends my dad over. In the meantime I go to level two and talk to my downstairs neighbours to explain what had happened and asked them to keep an eye on their ceiling for any leaks. Their dog gnawed on my shoe. I don't really blame him.

Glenn arrives and insists on pulling the nail out a bit "to see for himself". My pukey face is back again. He pulls it out a bit and the hissing noise returns. He puts the nail back in. This wall is opposite all my bathroom utilities, it doesn't really make sense that there would be water here. We check the front closet (which is on the other side of the bathroom) and realize that is where the main water shut off is. Carol advises us to turn the water off. We do. After all, mommy knows best.

I get an unknown number calling my cell, I answer and it is my property manager, he asks me to explain what has happened and then says they will find a plumber to come out. PHEWF. At the same time Uncle Stu calls my dad and he gives him the run down. He tells Glenn that we should take pictures showing the old nail in the wall to prove that I didn't do it. Also advised me to keep the nail once the plumber pulls it out as it will be rusty and old. Any pipes in the wall should be the responsibility of the strata he says. I sure hope he's right. It all goes to show that one shouldn't be productive on Sundays. (time noted: 10:59AM) Should've stayed in bed.

12 pipes a leaking. 11 shellys crying. 10 daddys helping. 9 kittys meowing. 8 mouldings molding. 7 toilets flushing. 6 neighbours hating. 5 COPPER PIPES. 4 holes in wall. 3 spliced pipes. 2 gaping holes and broken bathroom in a penthouse.

Must Love Cats - Langley, 24

I spent a good chunk of time today on craigslist. Exhausted both the Free and Furniture sections, then turned to the personal ads. I started with the Men Seeking Women. There were some ads of men claiming to be well off and awesome that caught my eye. Well written but full of themselves they were. A few stoners looking for new stoner girlfriends. Some guys just looking for someone to 'cuddle' with. There were very few pictures posted which is obviously such a downer. I moved on to the Women Seeking Men section next and there were 4 ads from today. Compare this to the 100+ ads on the Men Seeking Women. Interesting indeed. One lady was looking for a cowboy and stated that she'd like someone similar to Brad Paisley. I bet she fell in love at his concert. He IS quite charismatic. Anyhow, I worked on an ad in my head and it sucked. If I was a guy version of me I wouldn't even answer it. I think my only saving grace would be to post a picture. A photoshopped picture. From at least two years ago. Sigh, woe is me, yo.

Must love cats - Langley, 24.

SWF looking for big strong man to take care of her. I am of average looks, intelligence and personality; I am an average catch. Looking for an above average guy: tall, hot, rich, funny, charming, smart and interesting. Looking for someone who will eat my terrible cooking and be a guinea pig for my baked goods. No allergies please, I don't want to be accidently responsible for your death. Death by baked goods is, unfortunately, already a strong possibility! I like to read and appreciate someone who is literate as well... mostly so i can steal your books as i have a phobia of buying books and think the library is for poor people. I want someone who will be my number one fan.

Send me a picture and a bit about yourself so i can unfairly pre-judge you.

Deskcessories

Item of the day: Stiletto tape dispenser. Please note that this item is so awesomely popular that it is now Out of Stock. Sadly, I am not (yet) one of the lucky owners of this product. Please note that I am oficially obsessed with Staples Online. I received notification yesterday via email flyer that they have Bedroom Sets. Like, just in case you need to sleep over at the office? Crazyness.

disturbed.

i get home from work and the pot on the stove is calling my name. i had assigned Said Pot to a mission this morning. Mission De-burn Yourself.

Don't worry i didn't just give it instructions and leave; I gave it tools as well. What kind of tools you are undoubtedly asking? I gave it coke, not the mind-altering white stuff, but the sugar-coma inducing canned pop. Soda, if you will; I will not. This was in my fridge for the sole distribution to diet-pop nay sayers. Luckily, in my circle, they are far and few between so this can will hardly be missed.

This mission was devised after a quick bout of some good ol google research. After skipping over all the results that involved 'vigorous scrubbing and scraping' i found this gem. I put the can of coke in the pot this morning so they could get acquainted and when i got home, well the burnt was still there. SIGH.

I turned the element on to let the coke do it's thing and withing minutes i was able to scrape the nasty burnt layer off. SWEET SUCCESS.

In the mean time i had taken my caramel shortbread bar from the freezer, which i had put in there for 'just a minute' this morning and then totally forgot about. While trying to hack through this frozen concoction i cut my finger on the BACK OF THE KNIFE. like the unsharp side. wtf. it is sliced in three places and hurts like a bitch. almost hurts as much as kitty biting me right now. why does she hate me so much? sigh.

Just searched for my blackberry and was unable to find it. i rummaged around in my load of laundry that i had already put in the washer and turned on. My arm is numb now because i choose to do my laundry in cold. i hear it's better for the environment. I panicked when i couldn't find it in my purse and then totally imagined it drowning in the washer as that would be par for the course these days. my rudimentary digging around found no phone. i assume slash hope it is at my desk at work. i also hope that nobody dares go through it. i say this like there are interesting things on my phone for people to look at. scoff.
anyways. i have no phone tonight which is annoying.
i was going to email someone and ask them to call me tomorrow morning as a wake up call but clearly that wouldn't work. i hope my internal alarm clock is in good working order. I'm sure my lateness would be excused as i will be bringing fucked up caramel shortbread squares to work tomorrow. its humanly impossible to be mad at someone who is bringing you baked goods. that is shellywisdom, aka shelwiz. like cheese wiz but less processed.

that is all. u may go.

shortbread shortbus.

i most often get the urge to blog when things are going wrong. the stench of wrong fills my condo, to the tune of a pot of burnt chili. Luckily for me and Miss Watson, that stench is being accompanied by the smell of freshly made caramel. This freshly made caramel was layer number 2 in my Caramel Shortbread Squares (allrecipes.com). The first layer was a simple shortbread, second was caramel and third was milk chocolate. Because i am a half wit, i did not let the caramel set completely (or even partially really). Am i so busy that i didn't have time for the caramel to set? scoff. of course not. My next appointment after baking was to move to the couch for some reading. I was tired of standing there and waiting for it to set and i wanted to lick the bowl that the chocolate had been melted in. The chocolate globs sunk right into the caramel layer. This was followed by an audible gasp and loud expletive that i dare not repeat for fear of repercussions from the Carol. I ran through all my options and obviously the only one i had was to marble. I smoothed the caramel-chocolate mixture into a gooey combo and put it in the fridge where i don't have to look at it anymore. i am just having a bowl of burnt chili. it tastes like cancer. fml and fuck cancer.

PS. mom, u can't get mad at that last expletive it's a popular slogan hating on a terrible disease.