a running litany

get it? a running litany. i came up with that brilliant play on words this morning during my jog. i was talking to katie about running and she said she always has the best runs when she has lots on her mind. sometimes that happens with me, but i usually spend thirty seconds on a problem, mentally rock, paper, scissors for the solution and get on with my life. today i decided i would do some thinking on my run. so here's where the running litany comes in... lucky ducks, you get a peak into what goes on in this pretty little head of mine. [WARNING: this may not be suitable for all readers, please turn back now if you are any of the following: judgemental, squeamish, not in a pro-shelly mood or if you don't wanna hear any fart jokes.]

after twenty jumping jacks in my lobby (i have decided they are an acceptable pre run warm-up)i throw on the ipod stop watch, choose genre "Unknown" on my ipod (for the first time ever) and head out. Within the first two blocks i have come up with a brilliant idea of where to put my key (which is attached to a hair elastic that i normally put around my wrist/arm- but it cuts off my circulation). my hair! i will tie it around my ponytail, the only problem with this is that i can't see the key which gave me fits about thirteen times during my run. but the circulation in my left arm has never been better! totally worth it. running south up 200th i see a banana peel and carefully dodge it. i used to think that the banana peel gag in cartoons was some kind of myth, that was until i accidentally stepped on one in the hallway at school and ALMOST died. slippery indeed. i have no problem with littering organic matter, i am the first to throw an apple core out a car window (it's practically a sport), however, i would never EVER throw a banana peel where someone may step and slip on it. i think that's a true testament to my character. anyhow, if you can believe it, i see THREE more banana peels littering the sidewalk in the next five blocks. who the f is doing this i ponder? At this point i am around 44th ave, so have only gone a few kms and haven't decided the extent of my run yet. i get a bit of a second wind after hill number 1 and 2 (the only up-hill sections i have to face on my long runs) so i decide i will push it and plan to do a long run. I spend the next three kms mulling over boys and end up getting a side stitch so give that up in a hurry. at 28th ave i discover there is a diner called Race Trac, it smells like bacon. i almost die. mental note to drag someone there with me in near future. right after the diner is a pub called something silly but it looks totally adorable, second mental note to drag someone there, perhaps for a post-diner drink. or perhaps not. anyhow the pub reminded me that tonight is fight night and i pondered what we should do. to the casino with lisa and her gang or to southpoint with bobby,etc. and then some country song came on that mentioned whiskey and i got a hankering for a whiskey sour, which i quickly turned into an amaretto sour, because whiskey makes me mean slash cry my eyes out. and then i remembered the fight me and lisa got into last week which resulted in tears and a reminder that she still has my pink frisbee. then i look up and see i am coming up to 18th ave. i do some rough calculations and figure this would make it around a 16 k run, so i jubilantly cross the street. two ladies are just walking by and i yell "woo i'm on the way home!" they laughed and i picked up the pace ... for about a minute and then i realised my stomach was starting to churn. uh oh i think. gurgle gurgle my stomach says. i slow the pace and ponder the story i heard about a woman who won a marathon with shit running down her leg because she lost control of her bowels. note to self: never be that woman... i'm concernicus (dane cook joke reference) at this point, but then it 'passes'. lol, pun. and i'm fine and running again. then Fancy by Reba McEntire began playing (which is one of lisa's favorite songs) and i NTS'd i should tell her she shoudl name her first girl FAncy. "i might have been born plain white trash, but Fancy was my name". the white trash line reminded me of last night when mom and i went out to abbotsford to see cousin Nicole off to her prom. she looked really super pretty. hair, makeup and dress were all really good. only downer was she was wearing flats (not that you could see them, but come on). anyhow, one of her little friends yells 'hey nicky, what's that on your back?" so i turn her around and move her hair and there's a fucking tattoo. :O is the face i make. Carol and Uncle Stu, "WHAT?"., uhm. screaming and arguing ensue between stu and nicky and then carol and i break it up and tell them it's not the time or place. Then i bring up the fact that uncle stuart has a billion tattoos and he's being rather ridiculous about it. Plus hers is in good taste in a spot that isn't visible and it's a fuckin religious tattoo. God save us all or something. ... no, praise the lord? ugh, i forget. anyhow, it was pleasant saying in a nice little handwritten script.. then i recall the convo at dinner about how nicole was SO lucky he found out then where he couldn't really get mad at her, which reminded me of mom how SHE found out about Lisa's tattoo. for those of you who don't know, carol discovered the tattoo while lisa was laying in a mexican hospital with a broken back after her atv'ing accident. what can you possibly say at a time like that? here i am back at 40th ave and am feeling some stiffness in my knees. i work on my form a bit. straighten the back, drop the shoulders and correct my arms so they are pumping parallel to my body. I get a face full of wet leaves and curse the homeowners slash City who don't keep their trees trimmed. I shouldn't have to worry about losing an eye from a branch that is rudely protruding onto public property. britney spears makes an appearance on my playlist. i'm pumped. and then i recall the buntzen lake run/hike we are planning on doing tomorrow with wendy and co. i shudder and think up a million excuses to get out of it. then i convince myself i should do it and then i mentally RPS for it. we tied best out of three. lol yeah u can tie at best out of three when you play against yourself. i will decide on the hike later. Running towards me i see blond lady in blue jacket (as i like to call her). i see this lady running every morning on my way to work and am kind of in her fan club. I quickly put on my Not Tired At All Face and correct my form again and smile and say good morning. she is shorter than i thought she was. Down hill number 1 i go, this is hte steeper one that goes alongside the bmx park. i have a secret longing to rip up that bmx park, but my fear of broken limbs has and will continue to hold me back. down hill n umber two i go and the home stretch is upon me. i ignorantly run across the street without using a crosswalk and head east down michaud crescent. i always pick the pace up on this street in case i see any of my neighbours. i don't want to appear sluggish. nothing worse than a sluggish appearance. lol ew. so many slugs on my run too. i always envision stepping on them for fun just to see them squirt, but then i feel bad. side note, i ran over an ALREADY DEAD squirrel the other morning and almost vomited. i make it to the condo and after a brief panic attack remember the key is in my hair so i whip it out, let myself in and stop the timer- 1 hour thirty minutes. i strip off the soggy gear and grab a football jersey which is my newly preferred lounging gear and have a delicious chocolate protein shake. aka my favorite part of my running routine. i go online to map my run and see it was a tidy little 15.6 kilometers. proud? yeah kinda. lml.

kisses.

View my Soggy Saturday Run